Defining Grace

Harvesting True Beauty...The Beauty Within

Grace is one of my favorite words. It has always had a visceral, onomatopoeia quality to it. I use it often with clients with the intention of imparting a sense of safety in space; whereby space, i.e., the unknown or bardo, may have, historically felt like a terrifying abyss. I use the mantra, “Grace is space.” Mantras work wonders with building a faith-bridge when moving from one state of being to a new, unknown one.

A few days ago, I used this mantra with a client. Curiosity being a sign of progress on the path, she asked what my definition of Grace was. I asked if I could put some thought and feeling to it. She obliged and this is what I came up with…

The word Grace has always felt sacred and holy to me. In Christianity, Grace is the means by which God offers salvation through Jesus Christ. Although I don’t identify with being a Christian, I feel the beauty in the freedom expressed in this sentiment; I see and feel the deeper metaphor within it. What resonates most with me is: Grace being a state through which one’s divinity rises up, and is the primary influence in one’s decision-making. That is to say, the thread that runs through a graceful person and all his/her actions is benevolent, pure, kind, and merciful.

I believe, with all my being, that our divinity lives in our heart space. It takes a great deal of inner (shadow) work to access this place for answers, instead of the rote definitions, stories and protections contained within the ego. Indeed, I know clients have reached this milestone, when asked a deep question, they take a pregnant pause and a deep breath before answering. Yogic scriptures further this by telling us that very few people will be able to build enough capacity to allow kundalini energy to rise up and stay at or above the heart chakra. It’s vulnerable, it’s raw and we have very little modeling of it on our society.

I see fully embodied grace evidenced by those with pure presence. In other words, they do very little talking about “it;” they are living their Grace through action and they don’t need attention, praise or validation for it. These people tend to withdraw a bit as the constant chatter of the outside world can feel overwhelming when one is tuned into their own nature, which is inherently quiet and serene.

From an etymology perspective, the root of Grace is a combination of the Hebrew word, Chen, meaning favor and beauty, and the Latin word, Gratus, meaning pleasing or thankful. I see these two words coming together to form my personal definition of Grace: ‘Providing the beauty of a favor or pardon, even in the face of undeserving behavior. This decision is borne from the heart and anchored by my own gratitude for being on this place on the path where I can also honor your place on the path - even if you cause yourself and others suffering.’

Using this principle of Grace cannot be anymore critical than when we are dealing with a loved one moving in and out of substance addiction. I work with many clients who are struggling with this, and I’ve had my personal fair share of it as well. In this situation, the Grace must be held for both “me and you.” All addiction involves lying, living a double-personality, manipulation and isolation away from healthy people when the addictive state takes over. It is critical to maintain a distance away as to prevent being pulled into the proverbial deep-end of the lake. But, at the same time, keeping our loved one in our hearts and holding a space there for them to also find the divinity within their being. This truly is Grace in action.

Yogic wisdom tells us the final outcome of consciousness is knowledge of Self and God…this is enlightenment. Every path - whether it yoga, 12-Step, Men’s Circles or religion - leads us to this same place: relinquishing the vice grip of the ego as to allow access to the soma (body) to find God within our heart-space…our True Nature. This process is never not messy. The narcissistic nature of the undifferentiated ego must collapse and in that process, there is immense grief and confrontation with shame. The more masks, the more suffering. At this point in “the work,” you cannot white-knuckle it, nor can you do it alone. You’ll need to have a person with whom you can check in with clients consistently. As they say in recovery work, you’ll need to borrow their grace for awhile.

For those of us not born a Buddha, Grace is a hard-earned state. To consciously choose softness and humility over hardness and arrogance is bravery. Our society rewards the latter with the hollowed-out praise of adoration. It takes an individual of great strength to be like water and choose the opposite of the status quo. While not all of us will be faced with the confusing juxtaposition of dealing with the addiction of a loved one, all of us will be faced with the question: How do we hold Grace for both Self and the Other? This is the crux of what we explore in our work in Architecture of Humanity. It is the path less travelled, but what we are ultimately called to traverse.

“I need your grace to remind me to find my own.” -Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars