Client Question: What is your definition of a self-actualized person?
Self-actualized individuals are neither wearing a halo nor living in a cave. They are self-governing individuals whose decisions are dictated by peace and joy.
“Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still.”
-Henry David Thoreau
Bodily “Knowing” of Self
Those who are self-actualized can energetically separate themselves from others. They can feel where they end and another begins. They know, using intuition, what energy is theirs and what energy belongs to another.
This “knowing” stems from deep within the primal parts of our body. It is NOT a knowing stemming from the mind. There is a very big distinction between body and mind sensing. From a mind perspective, most adults know that they are differentiated from another. To know bodily, the question is: How do you know you are differentiated? What does it feel like?
The necessity of differentiation
This level of differentiation is one of the ultimate - and quite possibly - the magnum opus of the individuation process. In AoH, we begin differentiation work in small bits so that we can “digest” and integrate them. As the client’s capacity grows, bigger parts are introduced. We continue to work with the first edge (the one right before overwhelm) until the nervous system can “hold” more global and larger experiences. Getting to the state of self-actualization is a very large experience to hold and typically takes years of being on the individuation path.
Interior Boundaries
Interoception is the ability to detect internal body signals. It is the hallmark of the body of work called Somatics. When clients first start working with me, they often comment that they get exhausted from being around others. Some, even have to isolate for a few days to recover. In media, this is often named as being an “empath,” but I see it as lacking something I call Interior Boundaries: bodily knowing whats mine and what’s theirs.
Enmeshment
It is fair to say that the opposite of self-actualization is enmeshment - where a part (or many parts) of our being merge with another or others. This is the foundation of codependency and trauma bonding. Enmeshment is a very large topic, deserving of its own article. In a simplistic description, it typically originates within the family of origin where roles are blurred, identities become fused, and a lack of boundaries ensues. Parents who party and/or use substance with their kids is a salient example. Within this dynamic, emotional entanglement is imposed and individuality is abandoned.
External Boundaries
When we lack interior boundaries, we tend to create staunch and abrupt external boundaries; it’s the only way we know how to protect ourselves from the “assault” of the outside world. External boundaries are often generated by the ego, whereas interior boundaries are generated by the gut and heart. When external boundaries become rigid and all-or-nothing, they can create an emotional combat zone.
The Modern Self-Actualized Person
The self-actualized person is neither wearing a halo nor living in a cave. They are self-governing individuals whose decisions are dictated by embodied peace and joy. This peace and joy is safeguarded not by external boundaries, but by an internal compass that allows them to discern beforehand if circumstances feel harmonious or not. To be around them is nourishing in that they are grounded, congruent and loving. They are not splitting from the self to be accepted as an authentic relationship with the Self is the priority. The core of who they are is protected by the decisions they make in everyday life to keep this peace and joy at the forefront; they understand this is enough.